Photo caption left: From canvas to coffee table book - ready for the cut. Right: The coffee table books.

Looking around my studio I see again and again a number of large paintings against the wall, all 120x120 cm.

All without a purpose in life. A little shameful really. I had given them so much attention at the time and now they are like an abandoned child or a school kid with his face against the wall.

It is not the first time I think I have done my final painting of, for example, trees, Blackfellas or Dutch landscapes. Forget not Portuguese 'impressions'.

But what to do next?

I have a show at NERAM in Armidale, NSW, in about six months. I came up to the north now exactly one year ago. From cold Armidale to hot and humid Cairns. From working inside to working, albeit shaded, outside in a temperature close to the warmth of my blood.

But what to do?

I painted this 'Dream Spirit' as a final in the series. I painted a man or an illusion. I must admit I understand as little of this Dream Spirit as ever. I put in a friend and a flying girl for old time's sake.

He looks slightly irritated with all the fuss.

I don't think he's very fond of my tribe. What a pity.

But what next?

I shouldn't worry. This has happened all my life. I think I'll never paint again. Very much like a dancer tripling over the stage having forgotten where to put his feet.

All the work for NERAM has been done.

So what do I do now?

When I was living in my village in Portugal for many years Senhora Rita was my housekeeper. She lived next door with her son, a nice and good looking young man about 30-ish. He was born a twin but his brother died at birth and only Florenco survived. But he fell of his motorbike at 22 and now lives in his house, in a wheelchair, with his old mother Rita.

Rita told me once:

"Paulo, the wrong twin died at birth.'

When you hear that you know something doesn't add up. So what is so strange?

I think I'll start cleaning up my work space.

phb.

It is frightening how BIG things can be. Like the Internet. A few billion web/net sites. I could sit in a stadium during a football match and possibly know nobody. I can go to the web and find so many people I know. But there must be a common link. Just for fun I tapped on Google my brother-in-law's name: David Woodley-Page and he was mentioned many times. I wrote in this blog space the name: 'Jeremy Leidstar' and on Google his name appeared in a few things, including a listing for my web site/blog. How do these things work? Don't tell me, I wouldn't understand. If you took a photo of my brain, as on my web sites (have a look, move your mouse over the above image and it will start glowing! Click it to send me an e-mail. Go on, click! Thanks to Peter Meerman and Henny Hinten for the 'brain' Flash file). You will not see it, but I miss a part of my brain for sure. I have NO 3D perception nor know my left from my right! If you look in the mirror wearing a T-shirt with a number or letter on it, you'll see it mirrored yet, when I touch the mirror with my right hand, it still touches the 'right hand' in the mirror. Where does my thinking go wrong? Click to read the rest

Missing or the sense of missing. I 'know' what it is but the feeling is foreign to me. I blame my good memory for that but it is more. I say I don't miss the homes I have had in my life but as a true Cancer I loved making my home a reflection of me. In The Hague I had a house I made look like I was in Portugal - on the inside. All windows had white/blue blinds. Then I decided my entire space was my studio. Many friends I have knew I had a 'Dream'. Simple: a house on a hill (click!) next to a castle.

One evening Joost Albronda phoned me and told me he had found my dream house. Joost, Suus and Jeremy Leidstar had found it on a trip. In Portugal, and I was living in The Hague. I didn't need to see it and I bought it for pennies.Click on the photo's.